Choosing Single Motherhood

After much open-minded consideration over many years, I am now old-fashioned. Children need both parents, mother and father. Legal notions of sole custody are wrong, not in the best interests of the child, and sole custody is no less than child abuse. Planning to have children with insufficient resources is planned neglect and deprivation. Modern notions of independence from the male or female have no place in child rearing. Having children without a mate is born of pure selfishness and maternal egotism, and will not serve the child well. Artificial "support" systems are a delusion, if considered a way of replacing a father. Women who characterize men as "immature" or "unwilling to commit" and decide to have children "by themselves" are missing the point. Society has become too expensive for the average couple to have children and remain financially comfortable. Probate and family courts treat men by and large as financial targets, and consider the man more irrelevant than not to the children's upbringing. Male fear of marriage and children is well-founded. The wrong-headedness of single parenthood will produce a generation of confused adults, as the family disintegrates.

Thank you for doing this story. I did find it curious that you put a story immediately following this about teen mothers. As an SMC myself, I can say that the other children and SMCs that I have met all seem to be quite well adjusted and happy families. And I think most of us do not shun marraige, but found that we just had not found the right person. Many women face biological issues to having children and do not want to be involved in an unhealthy marraige simply to have children. These women have thought long and hard about the impact of their choice, and the impact of a single parent household on their children. In my case, I was facing a hysterectomy. Each year I would ask my doctor for an 'extension.' Finally he granted me no more and I decided to use a donor before having my hysterectomy.

Most SMCs I know go out of their way to make sure their child has positive male role models. Many of them also hope to marry one day.

As a loyal NPR listener I was thrilled to see NPR covering the topic of Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). I am one of those women who planned to marry but didn’t meet a man to share my life with so at age 35 yrs old I decided to become a SMC via Donor Insemination.

I thought your piece did an excellent job of describing how single women put together strong support networks and rely on each other to raise their children. The truth is that every working family needs a support network, single or not. I have found my friends and family, as well as the wider community, more than willing to help me anytime I need it. I have been very grateful for all the positive support I have received about my decision to become a mother and the compliments I get about my very well adjusted and delightful child.

I have found my fellow SMC’s to be a diverse group of women so it is very hard to generalize, but on the whole we are independent, strong women who gave the idea of motherhood a great deal of thought before proceeding on our own. In the end our profound desire to raise a child in a stable and loving home outweighed any potential roadblocks.

For me becoming a mother has been the defining moment in my life and I hope to do it again in the very near future via domestic adoption. My only regret is that I didn’t get started a few years earlier.

I am a single mother by choice. My child is now 16 and thriving. I have no regrets. I was married and divorced before having my child. My ex-husband had his first child about 6 months before I had mine. He divorced when his child was three and she had a rough road prior to the divorce and since. I became friendly with the second exwife when they were divorcing. She was having a hard time and I was sympathetic. Our children played together. My child has definitely had and easier life then my exhusband's child.
I also did divorce work for many years which I quit because it was more than I could stomach as I watched children be torn apart by self absorbed warring parents.
In an ideal world I would have been in a solid marrage with a man who would be a devoted father. That did not happen before I was too old. My child was a biological last minute gift and I am very grateful for her every day. She and I are clloser than many kids are to their married parents and my kid functions at least as well as most of the children from two parent homes that we know. No one's life is perfect. I came from a traditional two parent home and despite appearances, my own child after knowing the extended family, prefers our little family. She has no ill feeling toward men. She has a very nice boyfriend she adores and many good friends in general. I am very grateful for my life and my child. I do not know why others feel compelled to judge something they know little about from the inside. I do know some single parent families that have not done well but I also know many two parent families that are a mess not to mention the divorced and custody fighting pairs.
I am glad to see us getting a little more positive press. It has been a long time coming.