Pete Foley's Superbowl Party DOs and DON'Ts

PARTY HEARTY!

Do you sit silently at Super Bowl parties? Is your worst fear being stuck in an elevator with Fox Sports football analyst John Madden? Do you have difficulty distinguishing Drew Bledsoe from Drew Barrymore? If you answered yes to any one of these questions you may be one of thousands of New Hampshire residents who is pigskin-impaired. But don?t worry. You too have the right to enjoy yourself at a Super Bowl party. And now there?s help. New Hampshire Public Radio and the Pigskin Impairment Foundation have put together a groundbreaking treatment initiative to help you through Super Bowl Sunday. Just follow this simple ten-step program of Super Bowl Party ?do?s and don?ts? and soon you?ll be feeling as comfortable with yourself as a football junkie on New Year?s Day!

1. DO get to the party in time for the pre-game show. The pre-game show starts at 1:30 (a mere 4 hours and 50 minutes before kickoff) and includes performers like Mariah Carey, Paul McCartney and Mary T. Blige. Surprising to some, the pre-game show has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual game. Watching the pre-game show should feel as comfortable to you as listening to a top-forty radio station. This ?DO?, however, may not be appropriate for individuals who suffer from Banal Pop Music Intolerance Syndrome. Individuals who are pigskin impaired are at increased risk of contracting BPMIS. If you have been diagnosed with, or think you might have, BPMIS, consult your physician before watching the pre-game show.

2. DON?T repeat anything said by Fox pre-game personalities Terry Bradshaw and Gerry Glanville, unless of course your have an inexplicable desire to redefine yourself as an obnoxious and egotistical version of Gomer Pyle.

3. DO wear a Tom Brady, post-game-press-conference-style Irish cap. You will inevitably be asked to weigh in on the notorious ?Brady or Bledsoe? Quarterback Controversy. Sure your Brady hat, (assuming you are under the age of 70,) looks ridiculous, but it clearly marks you as pro-Brady. Even those who disagree with you will respect you for your unequivocating nature, if not your sense of fashion.

4. DON?T dress like an NFL Club owner. Avoid wearing a blue dress shirt with a hideous white collar and cuffs. Otherwise, everyone will be required to call you ?Mister? instead of your first name and you will be forced to watch the game in the upstairs TV room with only your family for company.

5. DO speak in Roman Numerals, football fans and the NFL are in to that whole blood and guts, Russell Crowe, gladiator mentality. So remember, it?s not Super Bowl Thirty-Six it?s Super Bowl XXXVI.

6. DON?T grab the TV remote control and switch to C-Span during timeouts. The commercials are usually far superior to the game. And feel free to comment on the commercials. They have nothing whatsoever to do with football so you should feel just as capable as anyone else of critiquing them.

7. DO try and Martha Stewart-ize the party menu. Why not bake some little cupcakes, decorated with the uniform numbers of the Rams offense and the Patriots defense. They?ll look great served on a green tablecloth! Encourage your fellow party-goers to reenact crucial plays ? for example have the Teddi Bruschi cupcake sack the Kurt Warner cupcake just like on TV. And remember, there are XI players on each team so you?ll need enough batter to make XXII of the tasty cakes.

8. DON?T laugh at your host?s brown, plastic, football-shaped serving tray with the label ?Official All Star Chip Bowl?. Some people who do not suffer from pigskin impairment disorder actually think this kind of kitchenware is cool.

9. DO designate a team to root for (hint most people are going with either the Patriots or the Rams). Yell ?c?mon let?s matriculate the ball down the field? when your team is on offense and sing ?we will, we will, rock you? when your team is on defense. Try to remember that the Patriots are the ones in the blue jerseys and the Rams are the ones in the white. Hint #2: More people will like you if you root for the Patriots!

10. DON?T worry if the Patriots lose, even by 40 points. After all, it?s, as they say on Public Radio, ?Only A Game?!
Fade to the Beastie Boys ?Gotta Fight For Our Right To Party?.
Pete Foley comments on sports for New Hampshire Public Radio and teaches Sports Law at the Franklin Pierce Law center in Concord, New Hampshire.